One of the corner stone value of my adult life, has been the old adage that “Actions speak louder than words”. The original saying is meant to convey that people’s action show their real attitudes, rather than what they say.
Growing up, I was shy and introverted (I still remain that way). My childhood books (and maybe movies) led me to look up to the strong silent protagonist. I also mistook the saying to mean that I do not need to counter people’s assumptions, and that they would see and understand what I have to say by my actions.
This led me to be more reticent, and that was my warm happy place. I avoided confronting people, and would think that they would see and judge me by my actions.
Its only now that I realize that no one (not even your closest loved ones) care about reviewing your actions to infer what you have to say. Absent to your commentary on your point of view or your defense, they:
- make assumptions about your behavior based on their prejudices
- fortify their assumptions by selectively observing your actions
Unfortunately, this habit of not speaking up and or defending my point of view is now so strongly ingrained in me that I now need to constantly remind myself of this handicap.
A better strategy is:
- Engage actively in all conversations I am part of
- If not interested in engaging, ensure that people aren’t talking about me, and understand that I am absent
- Speak up my mind, even if my thoughts are not fully settled on the discussion. This will help not only in making the point clearer to me, but also let the other people know where I stand on the issue.
- Take time later on to really sink into topics that unsettle me. This prepares for a future discussion.